yesterday, i was picking up my apartment, (how heavenly it is when my life is clean and orderly), and it happened. ya know. it.

that feeling. a rush of sorts.
i knew i had to drop everything i was doing and pick up a pen, or i would lose what i was thinking about.

here is what i wrote:

to consider: what DO i want?

what are some positive steps i can take to move towards getting what i want?

what am i striving for?

who do i want to become?

where do i want to be?

what do i want my mind to look like?

what feeling am i trying to accomplish?



so, i was thinking about this list just now, and i figure, no time better than the present, right?

what do i want?

i want to love myself. un fucking conditionally.
i want to understand, everyday, all the time, without a doubt that i am. it is. we are. everything will be. and everything is always done with divine timing.
i want to set goals and believe in myself enough to accomplish them.
i want to actually put money in my savings account. every time i get paid.
i want to find a job that, not only do i not hate, but actually enjoy.
i want to develop solidify a feeling of confidence.
because i am enough, god damnit.

on THAT note.. i had to give a persuasive speech this week in class.
i struggled to find a topic that i actually gave a shit about enough to really come across with real passion.
so.. i chose television and attempted to persuade my class to turn. it. off.
one of the things that was striking to me during the whole practice of thinking about a topic, writing the speech, editing it, reading it, memorizing it, practicing practicing practicing it, and then finally delivering it to my class.. something happened. one of the things i despise the most about television and the media in general is projecting an image to men and women alike of a certain body type..hair color.. etc... so after chatting about that for a second in my speech i spoke the words, "the most important thing i have learned from not watching television, is that i am enough. just because i am me".

those are not words that i speak to myself often enough.
hell, it's usually the opposite.
which is so fucked up.
sometimes i get so wrapped up in the crazy spin cycle of negative thought it is absolutely unreal.
however, i am starting to be able to recognize when i am being incredibly hateful to myself and attempting to turn that frown upside down and allow myself to focus on the positive.

i AM enough.
i am wicked smart.
i am a gosh darn HONOR STUDENT. (so EFF YOU to that woman who said i WASNT COLLEGE MATERIAL)
i can go anywhere i want and do anything i can dream of.
i can dream until my heart feels like it will take flight.
i can fulfill my dreams, or simply allow them to be dreams.
it's all up to me.
i can read and write and sing and laugh and dance and cry and speak and tremble and hike and scream and play and cook and feel the sunshine beaming down on my skin.
i can do anything.
anything. anything anything.
i just have to believe it.
i have to believe that i can do it.
because in my mind, in my deep soul of souls waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down there..
i know i can.
but this weird voice pushes me away from my ultimate truth.

and my ultimate truth is?

succeed. by all means. succeed.
i have an entire other philosophy about success that i will save for another time.

as well as the rest of my unanswered questions.. another day i suppose.

i am going to strap myself down to do math homework. because i am dreading it more and more every second. and that is no way to live.

<3 <3 <3